Have you ever been in a situation in which you felt your intuition (whether by thoughts or feelings) indicating that you should or shouldn’t do something? Then you questioned it or were persuaded by someone else that those thoughts or feelings were incorrect?trust yourself
Here is a real life story that you may be able to relate to in some way.
I was 18 at the time, somewhat naïve while traveling the world. I found an amazing spot to stay in this little travel town in New Zealand. And of course there was a boy. When isn’t there, right? So, I really liked this guy, he was older, independent, had amazing dreads and the cutest puppy – I was hooked.
Now to give you a little background – I had spent the last 2 years trying my very hardest to resist the temptation of having sex. Being the high libido, sexual person I am this was no easy feat, especially the last year traveling and spending time with older guys. Why was I not having sex? I grew up with in a Christian home, with amazing parents. I had been quite heavily involved with my church throughout my youth and was going to save myself for marriage (or at least until I was REALLY in love, because I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to want to get married – I still had to give myself a chance to experience in case the whole marriage thing got ruled out!).
In general I would consider myself to be a fairly intuitive person. That being said I rarely trusted myself. Growing up I was told in several different ways that I was wrong – so why would I trust myself? I would constantly seek teachers, mentors, and healers to give me the answers or to confirm my thoughts because I trusted them more than myself. I guess I had a lesson to learn.
So back to the boy. I liked him. He asked me to come over for dinner and a movie. Sweet, sure! Dinner was great, and then it came time to watch the movie. His bedroom was separate from the house and he had a better movie set up in his bedroom than in the house – how convenient.
I knew watching a movie in his bed would put me in a compromising position but I didn’t want to be weird so I went for it assuring myself that if anything started to happen I would just tell him where I stood in regards to sex – no problem.
The movie ended and we started to make-out. Knowing how quickly these older guys seemed to like to move I felt the need to tell him that I was not going to have sex with him – that wasn’t something I do. “Ya, sure. K” he says, or something along those lines. I had said it so now I could relax and just enjoy whatever else was going to happen. Like I said, I was a high libido teenager plus I liked this guy so it didn’t take long for things to get hot and heavy and for me to get “warmed up.” So when he kept advancing and I kept saying “no” he seemed to think that I was just saying no for the fun of it and didn’t really mean it because my body was ready to go. Not cool. Seconds later he was on top of me forcing himself inside me while I was trying to push him off. Eventually I gave in. I thought to myself “well it is too late now – I have officially had sex so I might as well try to enjoy it.” He finished inside of me without me knowing it was going to happen. No protection. I was shocked and crying and he was justifying his actions by saying I wanted it.
I had so many thoughts going on in my head. The next morning was worse because I realized that I couldn’t risk being pregnant. I went to get a morning after pill. It seemed so surreal. The weirdest thing is that he came with me. The messed up thing is that somewhere amongst my twisted, confused thoughts I believed that because I had liked him, because we had sex and sex was meant for people who stayed together that I should stay with him.
Our relationship ended months later with him telling me he couldn’t have sex because he needed to save his energy for fighting (he was a kickboxer going into competition). I had known something was off for awhile but once again I ignored my intuition. After he won the championship I was at his place for a big celebration and found out quickly and harshly that he was just saving his energy for someone else.
The breakdown of the story is this; 1. I didn’t trust my intuition. 2. I attempted to assert myself, and then was told that I was wrong – that I did actually want it. 3. I Stayed with someone due to messed up belief systems that did not apply to my situation.
It is interesting because in general I am a pretty low drama person, but rather very chill and grounded. However, whenever I don’t trust my intuition I tend to end up in high drama unhealthy situations. The thing that has affected me the most out of all of this is guilt. For years I experienced guilt on many different levels and for many different reasons – all born from me putting myself in this situation and not trusting my intuition. This guilt bread isolation. I felt alone. Embarrassed. I felt I would be judged if I were to talk about this situation – and there were even times that I was. I felt embarrassed that I was naïve, I felt guilty that I didn’t take more control and be more assertive than I was, I felt isolated and like I would be judged because I wasn’t raped but it also wasn’t what I wanted.
I know now that I had to experience those things, to learn and to grow. This situation is one that has taken a lot of time to heal – one of the ones that I thought I had gotten over more than once but things kept popping up to deepen the lesson. I had to forgive – both this guy and more importantly myself. Then I had to do it again…and again.
Only now can I share this story and trust that by sharing it that the person who needs to hear it or read it will and that it will bring them some sense of healing, insight or if nothing else a sense that they are not alone.
So my recommendation to you is to learn to not only hear and listen to your intuition but to trust it. Sometimes learning this lesson the hard way leaves you emotionally and physically scarred and makes it a lot harder to heal from. But also remember that you are never alone. There is always someone out there who can relate to you in some way. You don’t need to hide and feel isolated and you can let go of the guilt.
Sometimes just sharing helps. I am a good listener.
Loving and letting go.
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