Oh la resistance (said with a french accent) you are such a sneaky saboteur.
There are thousands of ways that we can sabotage our own success. Seems pretty silly that we can sabotage ourselves right? And yet we do – ALL the time.
Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.
- Steven Pressfield (The War Of Art)
We often hit this point where part of us believes we can and we get all ready to take action, and a little more ready…and then before we do it we sabotage ourselves.
Let’s explore some of the ways we do sabotage ourselves and why.
Understanding this is important because these things could easily slide under the radar and be used as “acceptable” excuses for you not to experience your true desires. When you DO understand and become aware of these secret saboteurs then you can stop them in their tracks and move forward despite of them.
Keep in mind these can come up in any area of life but for our purposes here in Bedroom Joy land try and look at them in the context of your relationships and sex life (then look at it in regards to your purpose and other areas).
I warn you – some of these (especially the ones that are most real for you) may cause a reaction, defense, triggering and excuses. This is normal and can pretty much be expected the longer you have been using the item as an excuse. If that happens just be aware and curious then breathe and be gentle with yourself. You may also experience an “ah ha” moment or feelings of relief in recognizing what has been going on.
Self sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.
- Alyce P Cornyn-Selby
Common sabotaging scenarios:
We have an idea of something we want to do or achieve and then…
- Weight gain
- Overbooking schedule
- Money issues
- Bad/unhealthy relationships
- It could even look like projecting onto loved ones – kids, husband, boyfriends, parents, then having to “fix” them first
Thoughts like “when I have more money/pay off my debt then I can take some time away with my husband” or “When I lose this weight then I will feel sexy again and will want to have more sex.” “When I have a partner/bf/husband then I will be able to have great sex.” “When I have more energy then I will be able to connect more or have more sex.” “When busy season is over then I can….” When I learn this or heal that then I can….
Any of those sound familiar?
I know for me some common thoughts are when I fix this then I can focus on what I really want to focus on. When I exercise more then I will feel more motivated to eat better… it’s like this horrible vicious cycle.
The good thing is now I can recognize when it is happening.
So how do you know if it’s really self sabotage or just a regular life experience that isn’t really related??
You will know when you start saying things like:
“I just have to lose this weight then I can _____.”
“Once I am healthier I’ll have the energy to____________.”
“I can’t do that I’m too depressed/tired/stressed/busy.”
“When I make more money then I’ll be able to __________.”
The comedian Dane Cook has this joke were the girl can’t leave her boyfriend because she has all her cd’s in his car – she can’t leave without her cd’s and so she stays…. An extreme look at a common scenario.
I know it can be a harsh concept to think that we could be creating these scenarios to hold us back but I have to say I have seen this in myself many times, not to mention in my clients, friends and acquaintances.
Here are 4 action steps to overcome (& explore this more personally for yourself) self-sabotage and resistance.
1. Ask yourself what your biggest, deepest desire is. The most important thing yo want to do or experience in 2013…. Go.
2. Ask yourself how long you’ve been desiring it AND what are some possible scenarios in your life that you may have created as saboteurs that have held you back? Be honest with yourself – it’s okay, we all do it.
3. What can you start doing now to go towards that desire despite all the possible reasons of why you can’t/shouldn’t etc.
4. Do those things
I triple dog dare you to share in the comments about what has come up for you and what you are going to do anyways.
“Have you ever asked a friend who’s an artist or entrepreneur how they’re doing on a project you know they’re psyched about? Sometimes you get the answer,
“I’m getting ready to start on it.”
“I’m working up the outline.”
“I’ve almost got the business plan.”
“I’ve got a little more research to do.”
When Resistance hears phrases like that, it can hardly contain its glee. Resistance knows that the longer we noodle around “getting ready,” the more time and opportunity we’ll have to sabotage ourselves. Resistance loves it when we hesitate, when we over-prepare. The answer: plunge in.”
- Steven Pressfield