Porn – Good or Bad??

I was recently sitting at my favorite coffee shop writing away and this young guy comes over and asks if he can share my table.  Within a couple of minutes (after finding out what I do) he was telling me how he thinks he is addicted to porn and how he feels he is now desensitized because of it when he’s actually with a woman.

These conversations with strangers have been a normal occurrence for me for about the last 8 years and are one of my favorite things. We proceeded to have an extended conversation about porn and sexuality in general.

Porn in particular can be a touchy subject and has been the topic of many debates.  It can be especially touchy for women who have had challenging experiences with a partner who has been addicted.

In this article I will be discussing the good and bad of porn, with the intention of bringing potentially new insights about it so it doesn’t hold such a high charge for you (one way or the other) and can be dealt with in a supportive and healthy way when necessary.

First of all, the porn industry grosses up to 14 billion dollars a year so understandably it touches many of our lives in one way or another.

Whatever your current view is I ask you to be open to hearing the different views – you don’t have to change yours but just be open.  This is a HUGE topic, this article will just be scratching the surface by sharing a few thoughts/views.

The BAD

The majority of porn in previous years (and still today) consists of airbrushing, brazilian waxed, painted and primped women – often portrayed as a perfect sex toy for men.  Cum shots, blow jobs, and women who are constantly ready to go in a second (none of which are bad things in their own right necessarily).

Sometimes these women genuinely seem to be (and probably are) having a great time – and maybe there are more good actresses in the porn industry than we thought.  Other times it can be clear that it is a job, or that it genuinely is not enjoyable.  This is not cool.

The message that men can receive from these pre-prepped women is that a) women are always ready to go and don’t need foreplay b) women should look like these waxed, bleached and primped women on the regular c) that what it comes down to is this prefect sequence of him pumping away until he cums on her face.

On the other side of how porn can actually affect these men, especially with it SO easily available at all hours of the day…

1) They don’t know how to actually interact with real, live women or don’t have the motivation to go out and meet women.

2) It has the potential to desensitize men (like my friend from the coffee shop) to the point that they can’t stay hard with a sexual partner, despite being someone they are attracted to (and perhaps even love).  This can lead to a serious disconnect, hurt and distance in a relationship.

For both men and women porn can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-consciousness, feeling like you have to look or act a certain way.  It can also lead to a habitual disconnected sexual experience – this is probably one of the most common experiences for both men and women.  Time is not taken to explore and the imagination is not used.  The sexual experience (either during masturbation or later on with a partner) can be disconnected in the sense that it is very genital focused and the experience is not truly felt throughout the body.

Often guilt and shame can be involved, especially if the interests are a little different from the socially portrayed “norm” or what we feel like we “should” like or not like.

So on the one end of the scale it can be a habitual, addicting, disconnecting and desensitizing experience potentially filled with guilt or shame and can even pull partners apart.  On this end of the scale it is unhealthy and not really supporting a soul-satisfying sex life.

The GOOD

While writing this article I happened to be sitting beside two women who were having a conversation about porn (like I said these things just happen around me).   I joined the conversation and in particular we talked about what they liked and didn’t like.  Mostly we focused on the topic of “ethical porn.”

Here are some good points to consider:

• There are MANY niches of porn which are made by and for real couples, LGQTB, and more in a way that is ethical, supportive and caring – catering to the conscious public.
• It can be explored to gain clarity on fantasies or to learn some new things.
• It can be a fun way for couples to explore and get turned on together.
• It can be a turn on tool for solo-sessions.
• There are many people in this industry (women and men) who genuinely enjoy what they do and they do it in a conscious, healthy way.

In closing, porn can be a potentially harmful thing when abused but when used with respect and awareness can also be a great added tool in the toy box.

Whatever your feelings are on the topic – explore and ask yourself why you feel that way?  Could you benefit from a mindset shift?  Is how you use or view porn serving you and your relationships?

In case you were wondering – I gave the young man I mentioned at the beginning a meditation due to his interest in receiving support.  By using that meditation, in combination of his new awareness of what was happening in his brain and body due to excessive porn use, he was able to regain sensitivity and arousal with his girlfriend within a week (along with deciding not to watch porn for awhile).

What are your thoughts on porn?  Did this article bring any new insights?  Share in the comments below.

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