“Allison, I want to get more comfortable receiving.  I am SO good at giving and giving, and I get a lot of joy out of it but I’d like to get better at receiving.  I know it’s important for me right now to get more comfortable being in my feminine and I understand receptivity is a big part of that.  What can I do to be more receptive?”

Awesome question!  I get variations of this question all the time.  I was recently helping one of my private clients with it and I thought I’d share some answers with you too.

Receiving is a fine art that goes against most of what you probably learned growing up.

Do any of these sound familiar?

“be modest”

“it’s better to give than receive”

“to be a good woman/wife/mom/gf you have to give”

As you may have experienced by this point – giving feels great and it can in many cases get draining,  lead to exhaustion and even resentment, especially if it’s not balanced with a healthy dose of receiving (whether hugs, love, help, support, acknowledgement, compliments, gifts, pleasure…).

You may also be hearing about the masculine and feminine and be thinking you want to be more feminine.

Well, receptivity is a key part of being more feminine and very helpful in keeping your love tank full + overflowing and staving off resentment, anger and snide remarks you don’t really want to make in a fit of frustration.

Being more receptive will also help with pretty much everything in your life.

Want to meet your ideal partner?  Make your man feel more like a man?  Gain more clarity, ideas or creative inspiration?  Attract more clients and make enough money to go on that trip?  Feel more confident and worthy of love?  Feel more pleasure in the bedroom?

It all has to do with allowing yourself to receive.  If you can’t receive the little things, how can you expect to receive the big things you really want?

If this isn’t a muscle you’ve flexed a whole lot it makes sense that it might be weak and that it’ll take a little while to build back up.

I’ve got two pieces of playwork for you – ones in which may not be easy at first.  I promise you will start to experience benefit from them pretty quick though and through continual practice (no, you can’t just do it once and expect miracles!) it will become more second nature to you.

2 Ways to Get Better At Receiving Starting Today

1.  Accept compliments instead of deflecting or denying them.

Example of deflection:  “Allison I love your top – that color looks so good on you!”  to be quickly followed back with “I love yours- where did you get it?”

Example of denial: “You are so good at taking pictures, I love this one!” “Ugh, I hate that one, I could have done so much better.”

*You’ll notice verbal deflection and denial is much more common between women.  With a man it can show up more in actions, for example – in the bedroom you constantly take the lead in pleasing him and whenever he tries to please you you quickly revert back to him.

What receiving looks like (*note: just because you are receiving doesn’t mean you can’t give as well just allow yourself to receive for a moment first):

“Thank you”  “It’s my favorite color, thank you”  “It means a lot to hear you say that.”  or in action allow yourself to stop and receive for a bit too – let him open the door, take you out for dinner, give a massage or oral!  AND breath.  Give it a few seconds to sink in. 

2.  Ask.

Asking isn’t easy.  It can feel vulnerable.  Funny enough by asking you are giving someone else the gift of being able to give to you (see you still get to give by asking! Plus, you can’t hog all the giving anyway…).  Start off small by asking for help – to open a door, to solve a problem or answer a question, cleaning or maybe asking for a hug, words of support, or a massage.

Soon receiving will be second nature and you’ll be on your path to receiving bigger things that will allow you to serve your purpose in an even bigger way.

Comment below and share 1 thing you need to or are going to ask for this week.

If you haven’t yet be sure to share this with your friends (only if you liked it of course) and enter your name and email below to get more free advice, tips, tools and insightful training in bringing more joy into your life (in and out of the bedroom

I’m not going to lie.

It took me a while to write this blog post. Not because writing is hard, or I had too much on my plate, but because this is definitely going to be the most intimate post I’ve ever written. I make it a habit of getting super honest and vulnerable on my blog, sharing stories of breakups, hard times, and incredible nights, but this is the first time I am really going for it.

We’re talking about masturbation.

And not just about masturbation, but how the act of being intimate with just yourself can bring you to points of clarity you never knew existed.

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling the love with my vibrator. It’s the cutest. It’s even shaped like a tulip. But I was having a hard time getting to the climax I’m so used to when I get into that mode. Things were feeling good, but I was wanting more, grasping for more.

[Note from Allison on expectation:  What Beth is sharing here is a golden nugget that applies to every area of life.  How often are you grasping for more? Grasping for the same experience you had in the past?  Holding an expectation of what your experience "should" be like that is taken you away from being present in the moment and just enjoying what IS?  Read on to find out what can happen when you let go of expectation...]

As I began to breathe deeply into the pleasure centre, I had a moment of clarity. My inner guidance lit up, and told me to stop trying so hard. As I slowed down, and let the information sink in, it kept talking. The guidance told me that I was trying to control the situation, trying to make it feel a certain way – expecting it to feel like it has before, so I could reach the point of orgasm.

So I stopped clenching, released the tension from my body, and just started to breathe. I let go of any control, and just decided to experience the moment for what it was.

Instead of thinking that sexuality should feel a certain way, I just EXPERIENCED how it was actually feeling in the present moment. I stopped controlling and just started being.

And then something wonderful happened.

I had one of the most pleasurable orgasms of my life. I went deeper and wider – and it was because I just let the moment be what it was. I let it flow. I decided to stop forcing it into a box, based on past experiences. I experienced the sensations for what they were, not for what I would have them be. And it turned out magically.

How can you activate this approach in your own life? Whether in the bedroom, or out of it, how can you stop controlling, and instead, just experience the moment for what it is? When we drop labels of good and bad, and simply feel what IS – we allow the flow to do it’s thing.

And the flow feels really, really good.

Happy pleasure experiencing!

xo Beth

Beth is the founder of Waves of Fire – and a lover of angels, the divine feminine, crystals, and soul quenching nature. Using herbal elixirs and angelic sessions, she helps her clients transition into a new state of goddess freedom. To learn more about Waves of Fire, please visit Beth’s website: www.wavesoffire.ca

Action Step from Allison:  What is one particular area of your life that you are experiencing expectation (chances are if you are experiencing frustration you are expecting something), and decide if you are willing to let go of that expectation?  Share in the comment section below.

If you haven’t yet be sure to enter your name and email below so you can get free tips, tools and fun reads + specials AND the Women’s Guide To Soul-Satisfying {Guilt-Free} Sex! 

Last month there was something that was weighing heavy on my heart…and mind.  There was a BIG decision I had to make.

It was almost like I had been taken back to the past (hello Saturn Returns!).  I was doubting myself, totally unsure of which direction to take.  Which decision to make.  This question was hitting me so at the core that it was shaking my foundation of who I saw myself as.  I noticed my thoughts reverting back to ones I used to have all the time 10 years ago.

“Maybe so-and-so has the answer” “if I do this modality or see this practitioner then maybe my answer will come”  “I don’t know” “I don’t know” “I don’t know…”  Sound familiar?

I felt like I just couldn’t make a decision because I didn’t know what the right decision was.  I was scared.

Luckily I have enough experience + support from my husband and close friends to be reminded of what I already know.  We all need these reminders.  In the beginning of our journey to self-responsibility, confidence and trust we need to hear them A LOT.

I figured I would share the reminder that hit home so strong for me – with you, so you could benefit too.  I know it’s an important message because I’ve already distracted myself about 3 times in writing this

The core of the message is about self-trust and integrity.  When you trust yourself and are in integrity with who you want to be it becomes much more challenging to doubt yourself. 

In this recent situation I was NOT trusting myself to make a decision because I was not trusting myself to stay true to whatever it was I decided.  Looking back now I can see clearly that I knew what I wanted, which decision to make, but I was subconsciously doubting myself and not trusting myself to be able to stay in integrity with that decision.  There’s a clear reason why, and maybe you can relate.

In the past I had committed to things.  And I had not stayed true to my word.  I had failed.  I could not trust MYSELF simply because I hadn’t been in integrity with my commitments and my word in the past.

Where in your life are you constantly making the same “promises” to yourself and not keeping them?

Vowing to stop eating ice cream or cheese?  Going to work out everyday?  Stop dating the “bad guy”? Get your website done by ____.? Have a sex date every week?

These are all awesome commitments, ones that without doubt will have great benefit.  So, what’s keeping you from keeping those commitments?  What was stopping me from making a new one?

The way I see it is there are THREE main things that either keep you from committing to something or that cause you to break a commitment:

1.  It isn’t a top priority.  You simply don’t want it bad enough or aren’t ready to make it a commitment.

2.  Fear – you won’t be able to keep it (heck, couldn’t do it before, why now?).

3.  You actually really don’t WANT to do it.  Perhaps you just feel it’s the social norm or a “should.”  Imagine that person that tried to quit smoking a million times and using every nicotine patch and quit smoking routine in the book without avail because their boyfriend or mom wanted them to quit, then when they were finally ready to quit for themselves they can do so cold turkey almost (well maybe not quite) effortlessly.

In my experience I had made similar commitments in the past to the one I was about to make.  What was holding me back was the fact that I had never been able to keep it in the past.  I asked myself “is it just not who/what I’m meant to be” and other doubting and conflicting questions.

Looking back I can see that in the past I just really wasn’t ready to make that commitment.  It wasn’t a priority and I didn’t really want to make it, I just felt like I “should.”  Because I felt that way and made a commitment despite not really wanting to I constantly was out of integrity.  This changed how I saw myself and how I thought about myself.

I had begun to identify myself with the decisions I made and actions I took.  All of that made this recent decision much more challenging because I had begun to identify myself as someone who “failed” over and over again in that particular area of commitment.

Then I realized something HUGE.

Each day I get to choose how I show up and who I want to be.  I get to choose.  It is only through my choices, and my integrity to those choices and the actions that I take with them that allow me to be who I want to be.

I was also reminded that when we are out of integrity in one area of life chances are we are in others as well.

That being said it has been, and continues to be a huge learning process for me.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

1.  I wasn’t ready to make those commitments in the past.

2.  Instead of being out of integrity I could have just changed my commitment (and can going forward) or been more honest and truthful with myself and others.  Just because I make a commitment doesn’t mean I can never change it (can I hear a huge sigh of relief?).

3.  Today in this moment I can consciously choose who I want to be and the decisions and commitments I make.

4.  If I don’t trust myself, how can anyone else trust me.  *And, if I don’t trust myself how can I fully trust the Universe/others.

5.  When it comes to building self-trust and confidence one of the best things I can do is evaluate my commitments and my level of integrity and then re-commit.  The more in integrity I am the more confidence, clarity and trust I feel.

How can you apply these lessons to your own life? 

I see people follow the same habitual patterns over and over again.  You know which ones I’m talkin’ about.  While it may not be the healthiest pattern to begin with there are some things that make it much worse.  Guilt and breaking that self trust.  So, if you are going to eat that ice cream do it being fully present and committed to enjoying that damn ice cream! If you aren’t going to exercise today, that’s okay – fully enjoy the day off, but don’t feel guilty about it.  You can make a different decision tomorrow.
Just remember, there may not always be a tomorrow but there is always a now.

In this moment I feel like I could write a book about trust, confidence and clarity in making decisions, but I think I will tease you a little and have you come back for more next week

If you found this article helpful, be sure to enter your name and email below so you get the next one and as always share it with your friends/clients/lover.

P.S.  I made my decision and commitment from this new sense of awareness and since doing so I feel a huge sense of relief, hope and clarity.

I spent most of my adult life going through the motions of day to day living with a subtle, but persistent sense of anxiety that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. A general sense of uncertainty and unease underlying all of my thoughts, and a persistent feeling of never being quite “at rest.”

I tried various self-help techniques- affirmations, positive thought, angel therapy, tarot cards, and pink bubbles of light.

I was a raw foodist, vegan, gluten-free, macrobiotic, vegetarian.

I starved myself for 21 days on the master cleanse countless times, drank bentonite clay, put water up my nose and hoses in my butt, all in pursuit if this thing called “inner peace and happiness.”

I would occasionally get glimpses of “IT” throughout the day, filtering in between the incessant chatter of my mind. But these glimpses of peace and subtle joy were ephemeral and fleeting, and would arise spontaneously, seemingly without cause, and I had no idea how to call them back.

I heard people talk about “the truth is within” and “love yourself” and I would think to myself, “YES! I want that!…but how?” And I would try another affirmation, or another cleanse, or do another Angel Card reading for reassurance that I was on the right path, and that eventually I would find my way back to this missing piece of my soul, which everyone else seemed to have attained so effortlessly.

Now don’t get me wrong, all of these things I mentioned did help, each in their own unique way. On some level they helped me become more aware of my body and more aware of my thoughts, but- I was still stuck with a subtle sense of something missing, some piece of the puzzle that I just couldn’t seem to find, no matter where I looked.

And it’s no wonder! The latest statistics show that the average westerner thinks between 100,000-200,000 conflicting thoughts per day. Conflicting thoughts-which, if we were to actually listen to the voice in our heads, would sound something like- “I really want that-oh but I shouldn’t-what will people think of me- Is there anyway I can do that without anyone knowing-what’s wrong with me for wanting that- I don’t think I could ever have that anyway- How come she gets to have it and I don’t-maybe I’m not good enough”- or something to that effect… you get the picture.

This constant subconscious mental chatter was like a war being waged everyday within my own mind, and it succeeded in effectively disconnecting me from my body, the guidance that it gives in the form of sensation, and subsequently the inner peace and joy that arises from knowing your soul’s truth in a tangible, visceral way.

The guidance of the physical body is deceptively simple, yet difficult to ignore once we understand that it is through the physical form that our personal TRUTH expresses itself most clearly.

The formula is simple- Pleasure = Good, Pain = Bad. It really is that simple.

Take for example food- if something smells and tastes bad to us, we avoid it, don’t eat it, and in many cases, this simple mechanism can save our lives. Or in the case of fire- it’s hot, it burns, and we pull our hand away, protecting delicate tissue that would be irreparably damaged otherwise.

Pleasure on the other hand is literally medicine not just for the body, but healing elixir for the soul, and quite literally soothes the mind and quiets that mental chatter, so that we can actually hear and understand our inner guidance.

The experience of pleasure causes a complex cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters that enable us to feel relaxed, happy, easeful, and content. Experiencing any kind of pleasure, emotional, physical, sensual, and especially sexual- leads to states of mind that are found to be very similar to those achieved through hours of meditation.

The simple act of becoming more aware of your physical body, and the information that it gives you through your sensual experience, can become a gateway to more self-connection, more clarity, more presence, and ultimately, more joy in life.

In this interview with Allison, I talk about The 4 Principles of Self-Pleasure, which I designed as 4-piece formula for using the power of pleasure to consistently create more self-connection, self-awareness, inner peace and joy in your everyday life. I like to think of The 4 Principles as my “Pleasure Yoga”, or my “Pleasure Practice”- action based, do-able methods that produce tangible results in life.

Devi Ward is the founder of Feminine Emergence and TantraFit

Empowering women to fully embody satisfying, healthy, and confident sensual self-expression

If you would like to learn more about The 4 Principles of Self-Pleasure, and how they can be your guide to finding inner peace, purpose, and passion in your life, contact me at www.femininemergence.com, and check out my book “Shake Your Soul-Song! A Woman’s Guide To Self-Empowerment Through The Art Of Self-Pleasure” which has been crowned the official “Pleasure Guide For Women.”

Get your copy of Shake Your Soul Song today!

One of my client’ recent blog posts (read it here) inspired me to make a list of all the things that make me feel yummy.  Just thinking about what makes me happy makes me happy!

I hope this inspires you to bring more of what you love into your life and that you will feel good reading this

What makes my life extra yummy….

• bright green moss on trees
• waking up with rays of sun across my bed
• sunshowers
• bare feet
• serendipitous encounters
• a strangers smile
• smiling at strangers
• the smell of espresso
• nuzzles n’ cuddles
• the moments during roadtrips when you look out the window and the perfect song is playing and it feels like you are in a movie
• hearing my clients brags
• gorgonzola stuffed dates with pine nuts
• open air living
• playing in ocean waves
• white water sledging and SUP boarding
• extra long showers
• massages
• naps in the sun
• unique clothes that feel good on my skin
• reading a really good novel that I can’t put down (or erotica)
• buying original art
• traveling
• hostels + luxurious hideaways
• playing dress up & dancing
• hiking…slowly to really see what’s around me
• seeing/feeling the relief and excitement of someone else being able to open up about sex
• fleur de sel dark chocolate, truffles and any other kind of exquisite chocolate (bonus if it’s locally made)
• passionate, connected sex
• taking myself out on a date…to do whatever I want to do
• riding on the back of a motorcycle…fast…
• infectious laughter
• my sisters roti Shiloh
• the euphoric high that happens when there is the perfect mix of people, music, environment and dancing
• real hugs
• when my dad laughs so hard he cries
• the face my mom makes when my sister or I say crap or anything else even close to a swear word
• when my sister is super hyper and carefree
• seeing my guy totally in his element, in the zone
• the smell of sweetgrass
• Barney from How I Met Your Mother, Jax from Sons of Anarchy and pretty much every character in Archer
• plants and trees
• handwriting
• getting letters in the mail
• tribal bellydancing
• tibetan heart yoga
• egyptian cotton sheets
• ah ha moments
• weekly jam sessions with Cortnee Loren Brown
• cheese.  it makes everything better.
• graffiti + banksy
• boys with long hair
• girls with short hair
• that my grandpa will always make a funny face with my in a picture

Write a blog post of your own and share the link in the comments below OR just write a few of your favorite yummy things there!

xox Alli

Don’t you just love those times where you are stuck in a rut?!  In case you don’t  know I like to use sarcasm.

In my experience there are 2 kinds of ruts.

1.  The Routine Rut.

Wake up, work, come home, eat, go to bed and do it all over again.  Or the have sex every Friday night for 20 minutes with the same rotation of 2 (maybe 3 if it’s a good night) positions.  Sound familiar?

2.  The “I don’t know” or Stay or Go Rut.

No action or change is happening because you aren’t sure of the direction or action you should take.  There tends to be lots of confusion, uncertainty and questioning.  This often leads to a cycle of going back and forth between boredom/blah and overwhelm/aaah!

Being stuck in a rut is one of the most frustrating, yucky feeling, all consuming situations.  Without fail every single client I have worked with has been stuck in some way or another, usually for quite some time.

Here are some commonalities of “stuckness”:

• Grasping for the “answer” or to get unstuck
• Lack of self trust
• Low energy/feeling drained or lackluster
• A stall in action

Side effects of being stuck:

• Life flies by with minimum enjoyment/pleasure, and instead you feel like you are just going through the motions
• As mentioned above – feeling really drained and lackluster
• Indecisiveness and lack of commitment (one toe in and one foot out) meaning missing out of potentially exciting opportunities
• Low productivity and progress
• Unhappiness
• A pulling a part in relationships which could even lead to separation or divorce
• Not getting or losing clients = living paycheck to paycheck
• Sometimes even anxiety or depression

Since you are reading this, chances are you are feeling somewhat stuck (or have a loved one who is) which means you probably have a strong desire to be unstuck.  I’d had to leave you hangin’ and since I’ve been in that lovely stuck place more than once and have helped countless others get unstuck I figure I could share a few of my get Get Unstuck Tips with you.

First and foremost, it all comes down to reigniting the passion and turn on energy.  Without the passion you will stay stuck.  In order to get that passion back you’ve got to do something different than what you are doing now!  Switch up that routine my friend.  Drive home a different way, drink green juice instead of coffee, or sit at a different coffee shop, go dancing instead of to the gym (or just get off your cute little bum)!

Get Unstuck Tip #1

Stop trying so darn hard to figure it out and to get unstuck   You are exactly where you need to be.  Really breathe into where you are at now and do your best to enjoy the ride.  Hint:  It’ll shift much faster when you aren’t constantly trying to make it shift faster

Get Unstuck Tip #2

Remind yourself of all the things you DO know.  You’ve got to start listening and trusting yourself and to do that you need to (in addition to being present with yourself) switch the “I don’t know” story to “I do know.”  This way when the answer does come you will know it clearly.

Get Unstuck Tip #3

Be grateful.  Seriously – don’t just skim over this one and pull the “I already know that.”  Show gratitude, give back – write a thoughtful note, volunteer, donate, hug a friend and say thank you.  Bask in it and let it really sink in.  Then do it some more.

Get Unstuck Tip #4

Get some.  Sex that is, and no you don’t need a partner.  Whether you are single or in a rut with the partner you’ve got don’t let that be an excuse.  Start with yourself in anyway you can to get your sexual juices flowing.  When your sexual energy (= creative energy in case you didn’t know)  is unstuck and flowing clarity will come along.  Change the routine, try something new! 

Hint:  It doesn’t have to be sex sex, you can use toys, fingers, do breath work, meditation, yoga, paint, dance to get that sexual energy movin’ too.  In the 6 Weeks To A Turned On You Advanced Course you’ll learn specific, fun and easy exercises to get your sexual energy moving.

Get Unstuck Tip #5

Surround yourself with like-minded, understanding, and supportive individuals.  Ones who get it and who get you.  Really get you and won’t judge you.  The ones who will hold you true to being unabashedly you and hold space for you to speak your truth and be + move through your stuckness.  This might mean you have to change who you are hanging out with.  Not usually an easy thing to do, especially if some of those people are family or friends you’ve had a really long time.  You are who you hang out with – make sure you are spending your time with people who inspire greatness in you.

Really, really ready to get unstuck and take the (scary?) leaps you know you need to in order to live the big purpose + passionate life you’re meant to??

I’ve created an Advanced Course just for you!  It will get you turned on, passionate, unstuck, out of self-doubt and feeling confident and free in just 6 weeks!

The 6 Weeks To A Turned ON You Advanced Course is a fun, practical and transformational program you can take from your home – anywhere in the world AND you get to do it alongside 20+ like-minded women with me guiding and supporting you along the way.

Get all the details + apply here - it starts Monday!!

What helps you get unstuck?  Share with us in the comments below!  And, as always if you liked this blog post share it with your friends!

The amount of times I hear “there are no guys here” or “it’s so hard to find a good guy” is enough to make me cringe (and then smack some of you – with love!) I know – sure it’s easy for me to react that way because I was lucky enough to stumble upon my “one” early on.

I’m going to dish some potentially hard truths + some fun ways to put yourself in a situations where you are much more likely to meet a partner that’s perfect for you and vice versa.

#1 – You attract people and relationships that will show you where you can grow.

In other words relationships often act as mirrors to show you your shit (or where things are really in alignment).

For example: Amy really wants to find a long term (+potential forever) man. She’s dated around and is sick of it because she keeps ending up with guys who don’t treat her with respect and ditch her. They are emotionally unavailable and break up with her after a few months.

Jamie “can’t find any guys” – no one will approach her and Lydia has been in 2 abusive relationships.

With introspection and willingness each of these women learned more about themselves and were able to grow and shift (in how they live and who they see/treat themselves) to therefore shift the men they attracted.

Amy noticed she actually doesn’t treat herself very well, she thinks negatively about herself, compromises (aka ditches) her desires for others and wasn’t acting committed to what she really wanted.
Jamie discovered that she had been hiding from herself – playing small and not going for what she really wanted in life. As much as she wanted to be seen by others she was really hiding out and scared of really being seen.
Lydia realized that she was really hard on herself and hadn’t forgiven herself from something in the past so she was actually attracted situations that “punished” her. She realized she wasn’t treating herself with love, forgiveness and worth.

What have you been, or not been, attracting?
Do you see any possible ways that those people and scenarios are reflecting how YOU see or treat yourself? Areas for growth, self-love and compassion? Forgiveness?

“You get what you are an energetic match for.”

#2 – Love and date yourself first and always.

If you don’t love yourself and aren’t comfortable on your own how is anyone else going to be able to love you and want to spend time with you?

#3 – Pushing = Your desire pulling away.

Are you trying realllly hard to find the one? So much so that you aren’t enjoying the journey?? Honey, you’ve got to let go and have fun!! Going to bars just to meet someone? Hustlin’ on online dating and hating it?
Time to switch things up. When you switch your goal to pleasure, fun and connection instead of finding the person you want to spend your life with, it stops being work and you end up being happier and vibrating at a higher frequency so the Universe can actually surprise you with someone awesome!

Life is about the journey (and hey I am equally as guilty for pushing towards an end goal in multiple cases) – we all need that reminder. Do what you can and let go of the rest. Be clear on what you want. Declare it. Then let go, trust and have FUN!

#4 – You’ve got to be clear on what you want and who you are and then take aligned action.

If you are a conscious women who wants to attract a conscious partner but you’ve been going to bars that you wouldn’t normally go to (aka not really your style and not totally enjoying it) guess what – you probably aren’t going to find your conscious man there.  Go to places you love.  Do things you love.  Definitely try new things you are interested in and that you want your partner to like.

#5 – Did I mention have fun?

Be positive and do your best to believe that what and who you desire is out there and you will cross paths at the perfect time.  My friend Heather always reminds me “what you want wants you.”  AND you deserve it!!

BONUS:  Declare you are ready, then do your work to ensure you are!

Comment below and share one way you could be in more integrity with what you want when it comes to relationships.

As always, if you enjoyed this blog, pass it on and enter your name and email below to receive your free Quick Start Guide To Soul-Satisfying Sex + Sexy Friday’s!

Don’t you just love it when you’ve got something all nice planned – perhaps a date night with yourself or lovah, and all the sudden one of you gets totally distracted and bam! the romance is gone?!

In my experience there are some universal buzz killers when it comes to romance.  These are all things you’ll want to be aware of and arrange to be without them on any date (including those hot and necessary dates with yourself).

1.  Cell phones/computers/tv.  All it takes is an expected call from your mom, thinking of that one email you forgot to send or a super unsexy commercial (pepto-bismal or adult diapers anyone?) to come on and zap there it is gone!

Instead, whenever you are planning some quality time (with anyone) arrange to have all electronics set aside unless for absolute emergencies.  On a date?  Communicate right at the beginning that you will be putting your phone away on silent so you can be fully present with them and express that you’d love for them to do the same.  You’ll be amazed at the difference this makes.

2.  Lack of Presence.  This can be avoided easier with the above in place, but being off in la-la land, stressing out about the past or future is not only a romance killer for you but your partner too.  Obviously life happens but when things are out of your control and you have plans with yourself for a date or someone else do you best to really set your intention on being fully present and enjoying the moment.

3.  Work.  It’s important to learn how to shut off from work mode and slip into romance/feminine mode when necessary.  If you are all up in your head thinking about things you need to do it’s impossible to be present and romantic.  Creating an after work ritual can help switch gears.  For example changing clothes, stretching, putting on some music, going to a yoga class/exercise, sitting down and drinking a nice cup of tea, reading a chapter of a book…

4.  The Pleasure “Upper Limit.”  Sometimes when things are going so well we subconsciously (or consciously) freak out and distract ourselves from those good feelings and romance by bringing up something totally unnecessary that could even cause an argument.  Sounds silly doesn’t it?  But, it happens all the time.  Sometimes we can even create scenarios like weight gain, illness, lack of purpose, etc. to distract us from truly experiencing the love and romance we desire.  Awareness is key for this one.  I highly recommend reading up on How To Increase Your Pleasure Capacity here.

5.  Kidlets and Fur Babies.  I haven’t experienced this one yet but I know there are many baby mama’s out there and some of you who are also actively trying not to be a baby mama just yet (which can be just as distracting and frustrating – think birth control, cycle charting, periods, etc.).  So a couple things you can do on both sides of the scales so you can fully relax, be present and enjoy!

Get a babysitter, set clear boundaries (if your kids are a little older)/lock door, make sure you feel confident with your bodies cycles and your birth control choices, be prepared in regards to your chosen birth control methods.

In the comments below share one thing you will take action on this next week to remove a distraction and/or share any other distractions you’ve experienced and what you’ve done to experience romance anyway.

Did you find this helpful?  Be sure to enter your name and email below to get your Free Guide To Soul-Satisfying {Guilt-Free} Sex + a free subscription to Sexy Friday where you will receive juicy tips, tools and specials hot off the press!

I just finished a Valentine’s interview with Vancouvermom.ca.  One of the things that came up was how “special” days – especially like Valentine’s Day can put on a lot of pressure.

In case you are new here you must know that I am a big advocate of fun, relief and flow – everything other than pressure, obligation and the words “should” and “need to.”  I’m not anti-Valentine’s but I am anti-pressure.

What can we do to make this day super fun, inspired, genuine and authentic without the pressure?  This can be especially tricky if you are a) single and don’t want to be or b) if you’re married/tired/have kids/haven’t been intimate in awhile  c) wanting an experience out of the norm (chocolates and flowers).

As I’ve mentioned in previous articles usually if we switch the goal from sex or orgasm (or in this case maybe dates, diamonds and candles) to pleasure and connection (perhaps with some playfulness added in for good measure) the pressure and expectation can melt away a little and relief sets in.

If you’re experience expectation, obligation or pressure there is often a feeling of contraction, tension or tightening – essentially the opposite of pleasure, peace and relaxation (expansion).  In order to feel that pleasure/expansion/connection there can’t be the pressure.

Here are your Valentine’s (and every) Day Tips to Pleasure and Relief.

• let go of expectations
• if there is something you really, really want to experience – be sure to clearly ask for it (no hidden messages or subtle hints).  Have an open conversation about what is important to you and vice versa.
• focus on the feelings you want to feel and brainstorm ways you can feel them no matter what
• if you or your partner thrive on spontaneity be sure to schedule some room for it
• single? Instead of moping around or trying to pick up the perfect guy – take yourself on a really nice date
• do something different or outside of the normal routine
• plan a anti-valentine’s date – sometimes just planning for a different day takes the pressure off (plus restaurants are less busy and flowers aren’t double the price)
• focus on you first – be the best you can be.  What can you do to relax, get turned on, be happy?
• haven’t had sex in awhile?  Focus on connection, intimacy and fun.  Just get naked.
• Be a “yes” and initiate – don’t put the responsibility on someone else.
• Take action and go for what you want

Ideas:

• get down to the little (yet oh so special) things that invoke memories and are really thoughtful
• write a love note (to yourself, a friend, or lover)
• create something
• receive and/or give loving touch (massage, hugs, n kisses)
• print and frame an old picture
• go out with a group of friends
• pull out an old mix tape or cd they made for you
• re-enact your first date together
• make a soundtrack to your time together
• if you are with someone for awhile – make a new tradition together
• express your feelings
• focus on one of your or your partners favorite senses
• do something for someone you know they’d love and get excited about doing it for them

Valentine’s Day is really no different than any other day aside from the fact that it has become a social norm to buy things in heart shape boxes and for flowers to sell like hot cakes.  Any day can be extra special and every day can be special.

Want to feel more supported in this area of your life?

If you are a woman who is committed to personal growth, happy with your life (BUT know there is potential for so much more!), and want to really dive into WHO YOU ARE and get to a place where you are thriving by being fully expressed – trusting yourself to confidently shine out who you are and speak your truth I have something special for you from today until February 18th!

Discover and Express Your Sexuality + Purpose Potentiality Coaching Package

with The Joyologist

(Valentine’s Day Special )

Ever wish you had someone who saw your potential – someone who could shine a light on all that you can’t quite see?

Know you have a purpose (and maybe even what it is) but want to know exactly how  you can use it in day to day life?

Without fail all my clients who feel a little blocked in their sexuality also stumble a little in regards to how to live out their purpose (keep the day job and keep things fun on the side, entrepreneurial but not to sure where to focus your energy to stay in a place of joy AND make money…).  Sexuality and purpose are SO connected and whenever you are stifling one, even just a little bit, you are stifling the other.  Let me support you.

Walk away with a clearer understanding who who you are, how others see you, your purpose + potential, and what you want (in life, bed, relationships and biz).  Confidence.  Trust in yourself.  Express yourself.

Includes:

• 1 hour Discovery Session (tell me all about you!).  Value: $400

• 6 x 1 on 1 sessions (45 min each). Value: $2400

• 3 Months of Emergency Email Support. Value: $600

• BONUS: 6 Weeks To A Turned ON You Advanced Course, A Virtual Group Coaching Program starting at the end of March. Value: $997

Total Value: $4397

Special Valentine’s Investment Only $1597 (Save $2800!)

Limited to 5 Spots (link will be removed when sold out).  Available February 14th to February 18th, 2013.

*When you purchase you will receive a confirmation link directing you to book a quick chat to say hello and book your sessions

OR

If you are looking for more community support …

Check out the 6 Weeks To A Turned ON You Advanced Group Coaching Course (Valentine’s weekend special, save $500!).

Get all the details when you click the picture below or visit http://www.allisonbraun.ca/turnedonyou/party/

Questions??  Email me at thebedroomjoyologist@allisonbraun.ca

You are loved.

xox Allison

I was recently sitting at my favorite coffee shop writing away and this young guy comes over and asks if he can share my table.  Within a couple of minutes (after finding out what I do) he was telling me how he thinks he is addicted to porn and how he feels he is now desensitized because of it when he’s actually with a woman.

These conversations with strangers have been a normal occurrence for me for about the last 8 years and are one of my favorite things. We proceeded to have an extended conversation about porn and sexuality in general.

Porn in particular can be a touchy subject and has been the topic of many debates.  It can be especially touchy for women who have had challenging experiences with a partner who has been addicted.

In this article I will be discussing the good and bad of porn, with the intention of bringing potentially new insights about it so it doesn’t hold such a high charge for you (one way or the other) and can be dealt with in a supportive and healthy way when necessary.

First of all, the porn industry grosses up to 14 billion dollars a year so understandably it touches many of our lives in one way or another.

Whatever your current view is I ask you to be open to hearing the different views – you don’t have to change yours but just be open.  This is a HUGE topic, this article will just be scratching the surface by sharing a few thoughts/views.

The BAD

The majority of porn in previous years (and still today) consists of airbrushing, brazilian waxed, painted and primped women – often portrayed as a perfect sex toy for men.  Cum shots, blow jobs, and women who are constantly ready to go in a second (none of which are bad things in their own right necessarily).

Sometimes these women genuinely seem to be (and probably are) having a great time – and maybe there are more good actresses in the porn industry than we thought.  Other times it can be clear that it is a job, or that it genuinely is not enjoyable.  This is not cool.

The message that men can receive from these pre-prepped women is that a) women are always ready to go and don’t need foreplay b) women should look like these waxed, bleached and primped women on the regular c) that what it comes down to is this prefect sequence of him pumping away until he cums on her face.

On the other side of how porn can actually affect these men, especially with it SO easily available at all hours of the day…

1) They don’t know how to actually interact with real, live women or don’t have the motivation to go out and meet women.

2) It has the potential to desensitize men (like my friend from the coffee shop) to the point that they can’t stay hard with a sexual partner, despite being someone they are attracted to (and perhaps even love).  This can lead to a serious disconnect, hurt and distance in a relationship.

For both men and women porn can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-consciousness, feeling like you have to look or act a certain way.  It can also lead to a habitual disconnected sexual experience – this is probably one of the most common experiences for both men and women.  Time is not taken to explore and the imagination is not used.  The sexual experience (either during masturbation or later on with a partner) can be disconnected in the sense that it is very genital focused and the experience is not truly felt throughout the body.

Often guilt and shame can be involved, especially if the interests are a little different from the socially portrayed “norm” or what we feel like we “should” like or not like.

So on the one end of the scale it can be a habitual, addicting, disconnecting and desensitizing experience potentially filled with guilt or shame and can even pull partners apart.  On this end of the scale it is unhealthy and not really supporting a soul-satisfying sex life.

The GOOD

While writing this article I happened to be sitting beside two women who were having a conversation about porn (like I said these things just happen around me).   I joined the conversation and in particular we talked about what they liked and didn’t like.  Mostly we focused on the topic of “ethical porn.”

Here are some good points to consider:

• There are MANY niches of porn which are made by and for real couples, LGQTB, and more in a way that is ethical, supportive and caring – catering to the conscious public.
• It can be explored to gain clarity on fantasies or to learn some new things.
• It can be a fun way for couples to explore and get turned on together.
• It can be a turn on tool for solo-sessions.
• There are many people in this industry (women and men) who genuinely enjoy what they do and they do it in a conscious, healthy way.

In closing, porn can be a potentially harmful thing when abused but when used with respect and awareness can also be a great added tool in the toy box.

Whatever your feelings are on the topic – explore and ask yourself why you feel that way?  Could you benefit from a mindset shift?  Is how you use or view porn serving you and your relationships?

In case you were wondering – I gave the young man I mentioned at the beginning a meditation due to his interest in receiving support.  By using that meditation, in combination of his new awareness of what was happening in his brain and body due to excessive porn use, he was able to regain sensitivity and arousal with his girlfriend within a week (along with deciding not to watch porn for awhile).

What are your thoughts on porn?  Did this article bring any new insights?  Share in the comments below.